cliché new year post with my word of the year and a bit of last year’s reflection.

I always forget how hard it is to intro a post. I mean I have an idea of what I want to talk about, but an intro is this magical thing that encourages people to actually get to the important parts of what is about to be written. Well, I am about to share about the fact that last year was weird and this coming year should hopefully not be like that because I am "more mature". So, stick with me because I am wrapping up this weird intro and we are onto the explanation.

As January 1st approached, I felt exhausted and untethered. I had hit a complacent streak and had no energy to be excited for the new year and did not want to take time to even think through how I wanted 2020 to look. I realized that for the past few months all I did was exist. For most of 2019 I did what needed to be done to make it to the next day. While living in that mindset I lost any desire to create and I gave from nothing. Honestly, I sort of lost sight of myself and my calling.

To be honest, I am still trying to figure out what even was 2019 and really work through my emotions and thoughts. I have only taken a small portion of time to work through the end of a season and the emotions and actions that are linked to it. I probably should have by now, but I am just realizing how much I have been floating along.

So, existing. I mean existing isn't a bad thing. In fact, it's kind of important in the whole scheme of things. However, I am realizing that when I only exist, the natural rhythms in life fall apart. I don't rest well nor do I recharge, create, or connect. I do versions of all these things, but in effort to seem like everything is okay. (These four rhythms are for sure from Rebekah Lyons and I have been obsessed with digging into them because of her podcast.)

I am easily blindsided by the realities of life and find myself devastated by little things that cause me to spiral. Then I have to deal with feelings, which leads me to ignoring those feelings. And well when you ignore your feelings they do not actually go away and cause more issues.

So, while there were many beautiful, God orchestrated moments in my life this past year I have been unaware of them. I had forgotten that the goal of last year was to abide in the goodness of God. Instead, I tried to make it through each day in my own strength and knowledge, which is not sustainable (hence the whole constantly being tired and just existing lifestyle).

At this point I really should just say goodbye and curl up in my new chair and really work through the past year and then decide what this incoming year should look like. However, I am going to skip the healthy work through this past season part (I will deal with it later) and tell you what this year might look like. Mostly because I had these epiphanies and I really have been babbling so that I can share that.

Intentional. This year I am hoping to dig into this one word. I feel like I can easily sum up all of the hour long conversations and morning journal blabs into this one word. I realized that intentional living is the complete opposite of what I did for most of last year. Intentional Mojade is a bit more aware of the world around her and her place in it. Intentionality means that I wake up with a recognition that my mornings should not be spent laying in bed regretting binging a Netflix show, but spending good time in the Word and in prayer. Intentional is how I hope to live out different relationships, time in work and school, and in all of the things that make up life.

So, here is to hoping that this year I live 2020 with intentionality and not forget that the goal is to the year out with intentionality. Also, happy (super late) New Year and I will hopefully talk to you super soon!