in the midst of processing.

If you texted me in the past week you may be waiting to hear back from me. I was asked many variations of "how are you doing?" and "I am here for you". Some of these I will answer, some of these I do not know how to answer, and others of these I do not have the energy to answer.

It's funny, since March, I wanted people to ask me these questions. Recently I find them to be more exhausting than encouraging. I hate to sound as though I am not grateful because despite isolation's lies that I am alone and without a community, these questions confirm that I am not alone. However, they have left me feeling exhausted.

Within one week I have watched a man die over and over and over again. I have felt anger rise, hopelessness overwhelm, and sadness engulf. I have felt the need to speak up and have wanted to hide away. I have dropped to my knees and wept and have held it together. I have been disappointed by those I thought would always have my back and surprised by those that have only recently made it into my life.

This past week has felt like a year. This past week has brought up a lot of anger and hurt. This past week reminded me that some people hate me for my skin. This past week reminded me that some people are too focused on their own version of right and wrong to be willing to listen to the hurt and recognize that their narrative is not the only one.

I have a lot of feelings. I have a lot of hurts. I am remembering a lot of times when schools, adults, and the world has let me down and made me feel less than. I am currently still processing and realizing I don't have the call of action wrapped in a neat bow for you. In fact, I don't have a lot for you. What I do know is that I need to process, I need to cry, and I want to share.

This is a hard season. I have faced one of the ugliest and loneliest seasons I have ever known. While every part of me wants to hide and ignore what is going on, and tell everybody to utilize google instead of asking me to be their living black encyclopedia, I can't. I want to be a part of this journey of people figuring out that we HAVE to do and be better.

So, understand that I am still processing. Understand that I will probably guide you to google to figure some things out. However, know that even in the midst of processing I want and am blessed to get to be a part of a very ugly, hard, and needed conversation.

This is exactly why this blog exists and I am ready for the raw, unfiltered conversations that can happen here. So, let's process and learn together.