this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

I really want to be the voice for the unheard. I really want to scream from the rooftops about racial injustice towards my community, both past, and present. However, I am currently on day 5 of being quarantined and I have hit a different low. I thought this post, the one to break another hiatus would be filled with facts and encouragement to fight for what is right. However, I am coming to you with hysterical laughs as I try to keep myself from crying.

In the past few days, I have realized I do not know how to sit in silence. If it is not a character from my favorite Netflix show talking in the background, then it is the sweet croonings of Ella and Louis. You see, the moment the silence goes on for too long, I start to realize how alone I am.

I really wanted to talk about something else because this conversation means that I have to actually deal with my feelings. I cam fighting the instinct to flip all of this pain on its head and say, "You know what this is fine. We will all be fine and here are ways I know it can be better." And while I can absolutely do that and it is not completely wrong, I cannot ignore the reality of the negativity of this season.

Friends, it is lonely. I am super lonely and I have no clue how to deal with these feelings. Zoom calls are not enough, facetime chats are not enough, and your sweet texts are also not enough. Man, I want to say that they are enough, but there is a point where you are just laying on your couch, another episode done and the weight of being alone makes itself known. The moment you realize that normally at this time you would be surrounded by community, laughing until you are unable to breathe. And now there is nothing but silence and the reminder that when it comes down to it... you are alone.

And man this time of loneliness... this is not how it is supposed to be. This is not how we were created to do this life. But this is how it is.

If your loneliness has been anything like mine your true feelings have been unheard. So, let me speak up for you right now. People with their families or significant other, check in on your single friends or your friends that you know are lonely in this season. I am screaming from the rooftop that even though your check-in is not enough, it is needed.

I don't need to go on and on about how this season is hard and we are all unsure on how to do it. However, this weekend has taught me I need to be brutally honest. So, here I am, being honest. I am lonely and I hate that I have to talk about COVID. These are both real and I can no longer deny that everything is different. So, friends, I guess thanks for dealing with my feelings with me because that was not fun... but we will make it through it and maybe step up and create some beautiful communities due to the pains of loneliness.