emotions may keep you up.

We are at the point of our relationship to know consistency is not currently my strong suit. And I tend to come to you when I have hit a wall and am unable to sleep. There is something about working out my problems with internet friends that brings me a sense of relief. Probably because I do not have to deal with the deep soul stares and the looks of worry when my emotions disobey and lead to tears.

Man, there are so many ways this could go, and honestly, we are both in for an adventure. I think that is the fun part of this blog. Many times I want this poetic, heartfelt post that leads to moved emotions. Then I will hit multiple bumps in the road. This leads to an onslaught of emotion. At some point, I share all of these unedited emotions with the internet. Today is a figure it through a blog post and hit post with little regrets day. So, this will be an adventure for us both… bear with me.

I think this all stems from a recognition of an unhealthy habit. As I pause and work through where all of the trouble comes from, it comes from one specific bad habit, self-reliance.

Last semester I pushed myself to an unhealthy point and refused to ask for help. I finally got a break and decided to rest in the worst ways possible. Then I jumped right back into an unhealthy rhythm of pushing myself because I always get things done, and I will sleep when I am dead is an option.

Well, it is almost midnight, and I am so tired I cannot sleep. All I want to do is cry. I am starting to sound like a toddler. At this point, I am not sure what else to do.

Yesterday I lugged way too many bags down stairs that I am just now able to walk down with clutching to the rails in fear of falling. I had just shooed away a group of people willing to help. I realized at that moment that I really do not know how to ask for help. And when it is offered, I fear that it is not genuine.

Maybe the stem of these problems is not self-reliance but fear that I am a burden. Actually, that is not true. The fear is that I am actually alone, and my friendship is more of an obligation than a choice.

I know this is most likely a lie. However, I have a terrible habit of needing constant reassurance. And the moments when I am really struggling, my mom is sleeping, and I cannot wake her up again with the same old song.
And as I write this, I cannot help but laugh because I sent multiple SOSs, and they all came through with words of encouragement and a desire to be there.

Maybe I should quit self-diagnosing.

I am aware that my emotions cannot be trusted at this moment. I am tired, stressed, and cannot sleep. Some of my stressors make logical sense, and others are silly and send me into ridiculous spirals. In fact, I believe I have sat here in front of a screen trying to blog myself out of these same spirals many times before.

I should also avoid searching for a solution to an unchangeable situation.

Instead, let me get honest because I alluded to it recently on Instagram. This past week I have gone from spiritually stagnant to removing all of the algae from my spiritual lake. I am attempting to do all of this while on a mission trip. I am also prepping for an exam and writing a 12-page research paper.

I am stretched to my limits. I put myself here even though I promised myself I would not after last semester. So, I do not have advice for you other than do not do as I do. Rest and remember you are, in fact, human and cannot push yourself in ridiculous ways.

And you can also rest on these truths:

Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be afraid, for I am your God
I will strengthen you; I will help you;
I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 42:10

but those who trust in the Lord
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not become weary,
they will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart,
my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.

Mark 12:30

The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
Therefore my heart celebrates,
and I give thanks to him with my song.

Psalm 28:7

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

Psalm 62:8

(Find friends that will pray for you, send you scripture, recognize where you are, and encourage you. Thanks, Tara and Christine, for the Biblical truth and for my other friends for being solid friends.)