Sweet and Sour
I’ve been struggling to get into a writing rhythm, slowing down enough to gather and share my thoughts in a way that allows for some connection and thought. I haven’t journaled, I haven’t spent time spinning stories on my social media, and I haven’t felt creative. Two weeks ago, I spent significant time starting and deleting a post. I later concluded that the subject matter was still filled with bitterness and hurt and would be for some time.
Today, I approach my blog with grace. Accepting, we will both walk away confused. I am still unsure what to share, but I need to break this reliance and avoidance I have built with a midday nap. While I haven’t created anything, I have spent time resting. I curl up in my bed, citing that it is time to choose rest. I seek a warm spot underneath layers of blankets, hoping to hit the type of sleep that will not cause me to wake up questioning my existence. And all that happens is I lose hours of my day. Watching plans fall to the wayside as I memorize more TikTok trends and my screen time rises. What started as a good thing quickly turned into avoidance.
So, what sparked the energy to avoid a nap? It was not just the brown sugar latte from my favorite noodles and dumpling spot (eat local and go to Three Fold if you are in Central Arkansas plz). It was the end of a weirdly heavy election season, kind words of encouragement from friends, and an inability to write out my Acts 4:32-6:7 teaching. I’m for sure procrastinating. Still, I figured if I could formulate a thought into the written word, I should be able to connect four stories into one main idea with supporting thoughts that are encouraging and clear. Is it procrastinating or a writing exercise to give my best? I will let you know by next week.
I fall into big pendulum swings, seasons of oversharing followed by pulling back into seasons of privacy. And I hope to find the center. I believe the center is where I am honest about life because we all seek genuine interactions. However, it does not share every piece of me with those who don’t know me. But recently, I have stayed silent in the hard conversations that rub everyone wrong. I fear that I may say too much, say too little, or speak in a way that isn’t clear and leads to unnecessary hurt. Yet, I learned that even as I dance through life avoiding others, I still step on toes, am a few steps behind, and end up being left out of the dance circle. (Y’all know I love to overuse an illustration.)
I am sitting on the side, checking on my toes, which are sore from being stepped on. I’ve realized I am tired of this weird dance. My efforts, sometimes good or bad, have also hurt me. So, let’s possibly swing too far in the opposite direction as I search for the elusive center I have never entirely known. The goal is not to ruin the proverbial dance but to possibly find new steps (I need to drop this illustration). It may take a while for bold declarations that may lead to hard conversations, but I think it’s time to speak up. To swing and seek the boundaries and create a space of safety that can hold opportunities to wrestle through a wide range of feelings.
So, with that said, today was hard for me. You may relate to me or not understand where I come from. I have decided that is okay. However, I cannot avoid my true feelings for your sake. I am wrestling, and that is okay. I am allowed to have conflicting thoughts, feelings, and opinions. And it is possible that what bothers me is not a result but memories of past products of said result. I won’t dump all of it on you because I have safe spaces that hold the hurt and help me comb through the tangles, but I promise to share more. We learn more as we listen to voices we agree with and those that differ from our own. As I step into a season of championing a country that is mine and that I do not always agree with, I promise to share thoughts that can lead to a space of unity or at least kindness in the tension of disagreement.
Now, let me stop being vague and procrastinating on my manuscript writing.